2008. 7. 27 Rev. Kim, Young Bong

John's Gospel 'Words of Life' (103)
Seeker’s Heart
-- John 20:24 -29

1.

Recently, a lot of attention has been paid to a book entitled “the Gospel of Thomas”, ever since Do-ol Kim Yong-ok gave a lecture about this book on TV. Even though this book seems to have been written by Thomas, one of Jesus’ disciples, it was actually written by someone else. Some say that Christianity has concealed this book; however, in fact, this book was discarded in early Christianity as untrustworthy.

There’s not much we know about Thomas. Matthew, Mark and Luke only tell us that Thomas was one of the twelve apostles. Only in John can we find three stories about Thomas. Through those short stories, we may guess what characteristics Thomas, one of the twin brothers, had.

The first story is in chapter 11 of John. When, at the news of Lazarus’s death, Jesus told the disciples that he would go to Judea, Thomas said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with Him.” Thomas seemed to have thought that Jesus would carry out an insurrection to Rome’s power. He was ready to die with Jesus for the liberation of his nation.

Chapter 14 also shows another characteristic of Thomas. When Jesus said, implying of His imminent death, that “In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." (Verses 2-4 New International Version), When hearing to these words, everyone became confused, but Thomas abruptly asked Him “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”

John 20: 24 - 29, which we read today, is the third story about Thomas. After Jesus was resurrected and came to his disciples, Thomas was not there. When other disciples told Thomas that they had met Jesus resurrected, he said “Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails and put my fingers into the print of nails and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.” (Verse 25)

Eight days after the resurrection Jesus came to Thomas and said to him, “Reach your finger here and look at my hands and reach your hand here and put it into my side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing.” (Verse 27) Even without touching Jesus’ wounds, Thomas said “My Lord and my God!” Until this, no one said to Jesus “My God!” Thomas was the first one who confessed this.

Considering these three stories from Gospel John, we can guess Thomas’ characteristics. He must have been very straightforward, simple-minded and quick-tempered. He must be the one who couldn’t hide his thought or feeling. He must have thrown out his question without waiting for a clue to the answer. He seemed to have had a tendency to get excited easily. He was all ready to die for whatever he thought righteous. He had the passion to pick a sword to fight against injustice.

2.

Among us, there may be some people who have a similar nature and disposition to what Thomas had. I mean those who cannot keep their thinking inside, not even for minutes. I mean those who speak out immediately whatever their thought, without more deeply analyzing, more examining, and more thinking. On the other hand, there may be some people who have quite a different nature and disposition from the one Thomas had. Those are people who do not show their thoughts easily. I mean such people who never show their intention, but only observe others’ inner thoughts.

No matter what kinds of nature or disposition people have, there is one thing that people should learn from Thomas. That is, he was honest in his belief and unbelief. It is worth looking carefully at what he said to his fellows, the other disciples. How many people can say, “Really? Isn’t that a miraculous thing? I wish I could see Jesus soon!” after hearing the story that someone who died miserably and had been buried a few days ago has risen. It could have been a natural response, that Thomas could not believe the words of his fellows. We are not much different from him in this matter. However, there are two uncommon points on Thomas.

First, Thomas’s attitude towards the doubt that came into his mind. He did not hide his unbelief on the rising of Jesus. He did not feel shame, either. He was not ashamed to acknowledge his belief, that is, his unbelief.

Nowadays, unbelieving has become bragging. Some books on atheism by some provocative authors are very popular, and all the media ridicule traditional religious faith. In such times, believing something can become a shameful thing, and belief is sometimes being treated as if it was evidence of primitiveness. Having traditional religion faith has become a target of scorn. Now, people act as if believing in something is the evidence of being mentally subordinate, and it as if not believing is the evidence of being mentally free. In this climate, the number of people who are bragging about their unbelief is increasing more and more.

On the other hand, people who were reared in the traditional church environment have a tendency to regard unbelief as shameful. Admitting the fact that they can’t believe feels like committing some sort of sin. It is because they confuse ‘unbelief’ with ‘doubt.’ Os Guinness, a great Christian Demonstrator, clearly separated Unbelief from Doubt in his book, <God in the Dark>. ‘Unbelief’ means the choice not to believe. This is a sin against God. However, ‘Doubt’ is the inability to believe even when one tries to believe. This is not a sin. It is something that happens naturally in the process of believing. God does not blame us for having doubts. Of course, He does not want us to stay in ‘Doubt.’ He wants us to reach true faith after going through Doubt.

Therefore, the unbelief or the inability to believe should neither be pride nor shame. Bragging about them is the evidence of spiritual arrogance, while feeling ashamed is the result of misconception. We have to accept them as the natural process towards belief. Like Thomas, we must admit our lack of faith as it is. Otherwise, we can’t have any hope.

3.

Secondly, from Thomas we must observe a humble attitude toward his own doubts. One might think he was arrogant when judging his use of words describing his doubts. It would have been sufficient just to say, “I will not believe it,” rather than saying, “Unless I see the nail marks in His hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into His side.” The way he went on was probably from his usual, crude way of speaking rather than from arrogance. We can find other reasons for his humbleness toward his own doubts.

We can suppose he said, “What? Did you say that Jesus has risen and appeared to you? Are you crazy? How could you say such nonsense? Have you lost your mind? Get yourself together!” He could have believed that only he had his senses and all the rest of the ten had lost their minds, and therefore he could have criticized and sneered the faith of his colleagues. But Thomas did not do that. He merely expressed his own doubts and this is quite a significant difference.

It is a sheer arrogance to judge or deny someone’s faith because they believe in something that I do not believe. This kind of arrogance comes from an attitude that I am absolutely right in my own reasoning and judgment. We can consider it arrogant, because that kind of thinking is beyond one’s own boundary and it can be considered insolent for ignoring other’s thoughts. It is a humble attitude when we accept that we can not believe things that others believe, but it is arrogance when we say others should not believe what we don’t believe. By being humble, we can reach a living faith but arrogance makes us stuck in unbelief.

For these reasons, we can say Thomas is a real truthful seeker. Although he was rather direct and coarse, he possessed unique characteristics to be a truthful seeker. Seeking after truth in Christian belief is quite different from the Buddhism or any other religion. In other religion, one seeks after truth in order to gain salvation. The Christian religion does not believe that salvation comes from seeking truth. In Christian religion, we begin our journey to seek after truth by accepting that we have no hope on our own. We have to continue without ceasing our spiritual journey toward true faith even after receiving our salvation. This is the truth-seeker in Christian religion.

He does not judge or criticize others’ faith. He respects others’ belief and accepts that others have reasons of their own belief. He has a sincere wish to believe as others do. But he does not imitate others just because it looks good. He differentiates clearly between the ones he can believe and can not. He accepts what he can not believe and he wishes to go forward from that point.

A Christian truth seeker must acknowledge the fact that one can never understand the entire truth in our lifetime. He accepts the fact that we can not comprehend the spiritual domain of the God with our own faculties. Nevertheless, he does not have a blind religion. He’d like to understand the object of his worship as much as possible. For this reason, he raises questions after questions and he does not stop, because his curiosity is limitless, and it gets more mysterious at each step of the way.

You and I need this attitude of truthful seeker. It will lead us toward the living faith. We can explain our belief to others when we obtain our belief through this kind of labor. Apostle Peter said in 1Peter Chapter 3, Verse 15 that “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” This does not mean that we have to memorize evangelical materials. It means that we prepare to explain to others why we believe, what we believe, and how we believe.

Those who came a long way seeking the truth will have a lot to share with non-believers. Such a person can explain well why he believes. But if one believes because one was asked to believe, and has no questions or doubts, one has nothing to share with others.

4.

Recently, I have met a person very similar to Thomas. The way in which this person met God and subsequently changed was very similar to Thomas’. From what I know, this person’s temperament and disposition were also very similar to Thomas’. This person is a member of our church. This person’s judgments are absolute. What is, is and what is not, is not. There is not much difference between what she thinks and what she says. She is incapable of keeping things in her heart. She speaks as thoughts occur, and acts as she feels. What she likes, she likes; what she dislikes, she dislikes. And so she speaks, and so she acts. Therefore, there are many opportunities for misunderstandings.

Although this person grew up not knowing Jesus, she came to the United States to study and so she began to attend church. From that first moment, her relationship with the church has lasted 24 years. She has been attending our church for 18 years. I found out later that, despite those years in church, she had not been truly faithful. She had heard many sermons and attended many worship services but all that had been simply formalities. Because she enjoyed performing, she even sang songs from time to time, but that was simply an act of goodwill for others. During all those years of attending church, the kind of faith she had was the vague notion of the existence of a transcendent being.

Last May, this person attended our spiritual growth retreat because she felt that it was about time to find that transcendent being. Now she felt that she needed something. She wanted to find that Something others said existed, in the Being that others believed. That person attended the retreat on the one hand with the desire to find that Something or Someone and, on the other hand, with the fear of being seized by that Someone and having her whole life changed.

On the 2nd morning, during a personal counseling session, I sat together with this person. I will now share our conversation.
I asked, “Have you every truly called God ‘Father’?”
“No!”
“Then, have you ever called the Jewish youth Jesus of Nazareth who died 2,000 years ago ‘Lord’? Have you every truly kneeled in His presence?”
“No, I have not done so.”
“Then, do you have the desire to do so?”
“I would truly like to meet Him. I truly confess that something or someone exists. I also confess that this Being has protected me so far. However, I have not yet met that person. I would like to meet Him. But I am also afraid that I will meet Him.”
“You have not yet met God. You have not yet accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord. This current faith is nothing. But it is enough that you have the heart to seek and meet God. From now on, please repeat this prayer, ‘God, touch my heart.’ Sleeping or awake; sitting or walking; performing or washing dishes, pray this prayer with all your heart. Open your heart and look for Him. I will also pray for you. God will certainly be gracious.”

5.

For a person who had attended church for a long time and had served the church in various capacities, it was not an easy thing to acknowledge honestly and confess her lack of faith in front of her minister in this way. Some pretend to have a deep faith, although they do not really have it. Others, in spite of the fact that they received God’s grace, complain that they never received it. It’s not easy to know one’s true state of faith accurately and honestly acknowledge. But the sister acknowledged unashamedly that she did not have deep faith like Thomas. And she sought help.

I don’t know when she would receive God’s grace. It was in that evening when we found out that God’s time was faster than the speed of either my or her thought. It happened that night. During the second night, the participants in the spiritual prayer session met and prayed earnestly for a while. As the prayer deepened, many prayed with tears. I was also praying while sitting up in the front, seeking God’s grace. After some time, I felt the sister was in the back praying while crying. Suddenly I felt the feeling of faith that this was God’s moment.

Toward the end of the prayer session, I asked her to come forward and sit in front of me. In full view of everyone, I asked her. “Do you want to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord?” She answered. “Yes, I want to accept our Lord.” I asked her again. “Can you call our Creator as Father?” She replied. “Yes, now I can call Him as my Father”. Listening to her confession, all the participants gave praise and glory to God, and prayed for her. The day went like that.

I heard more about her later. That sister came to the States alone to study when she was young, and desperately avoided crying. Because of the fear that if she cried once, even for a short while, everything would crumble, she had always resolutely avoided crying. But on that night in the midst of praying, something warm rushed to her heart. She could not suppress it. Because she could not do anything and gave in to the feeling of tears, she cried her heart out and knelt in front of God. For the first time in her life she cried, put out everything in her heart and called God as Father. And she prayed and called Jesus Christ as her Lord.

Not too long ago she gave a witness to the people at the church retreat and moved the listeners’ heart with her confession. “How can I express my heart? It is as if someone came inside of me”. It was a confession that reminded us of St. Paul’s words. “And I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” (Galatians 2:20)

6.

Our fellow believer, Ms. Lee Kyung-shin, who conducts the orchestra once a month, attending the second worship service, is the very person. I have been quiet regarding this ‘incident’ trying to determine whether her experience was given by the Holy Spirit or it was simply a change of emotion as was the case of Shin-Ae, in the movie “Milyang”. There has been evidence of her experiencing the Holy Spirit for the last few months, such as finding peace in her mind or finding the words in the Bible with her heart as well as her eyes, and I’d like to talk about them today.

She has not become a complete person because of the experience. She is just standing on the start line. I told her this, “Nurture this child well.” Due to that experience, an inner person was born to her. She was reborn. However, that was not all. She must continue to raise the inner person, who is just an infant. Through worship services, meditations on Words, prayers, spiritual fellowships, and devotion and servitude, she needs to continue to raise the inner person. Otherwise, that experience could feel like a momentary illusion before long.

The reason why I am telling you her story is to deliver the message that the story of Thomas, which we read today in the Gospel of John, is not an extraordinary incident which happened 2,000 years ago. Whether it be Thomas 2,000 years ago or we living today, if we discern with honesty what we can or cannot believe; if we don’t judge, reject, or criticize other people’s beliefs; and if we live everyday with a humble desire to believe more completely, to understand more deeply, to be held more strongly, and to receive His grace more fully, God will give us right blessings in His time.

Thomas did not become a complete person after he met the resurrected Jesus. Following that experience, Thomas did not understand everything and believe everything. Because of his experience, Thomas simply made a very important leap on his path of faith. A truthful seeker never says “I am done!” at any point of the path. Apostle Paul expressed a truthful seeker’s mind in Philippians Chapter 3 Verses 12 - 15: “Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

The resurrected Christ Jesus is still at work in our hearts ? do we have the heart’s longing to be held by the glorious hands of the Holy Spirit? As people who are laid hold of by the Holy Spirit, do we have the passion, wanting to be held more completely? Do we have such longing passion, reaching for the prize, running forward like a sprinter would? If so, as He was with Thomas, as He was with Ms. Lee Kyong-shin, and as He was with countless number of witnesses, God will be with us with the same grace. Therefore, today, tomorrow, and the day after - let’s live a life longing for His grace with the heart of a truthful seeker.

Let’s close our eyes and meditate for a second. How about you? The length of time you have been to church does not save us. Do you have the faith to call the unfamiliar God the creator “Father!”? Do you have the faith to call the unfamiliar Jewish young man “Lord!”? If not, would you want to open your hearts even now and accept Jesus the Lord? Experience like this doesn’t necessarily happen only when you go on a retreat. The same can happen when you pray alone in the back room, if you truthfully receive Jesus Christ. Even at this very moment, if you pray in your mind, “Lord, I receive you. Please come to my heart and be my Lord,” then His Holy Spirit will touch your hearts. It’s not that it happens in the same way to everyone or it comes to everyone with the same feeling, however, it brings the same result to everyone. You will live your life in the power of the Holy Spirit. You will live as someone who is reborn. So will you do it this moment?

Have you done that already? Have you gone through extraordinary things here and there in your life of faith? But now do they all look like illusions? Or, are you living as if you are walking on the way to Heaven? Regardless of your situation, you must not be content with that. If you are content with that, you will lose so much. To believe more completely, to know more completely, and to experience a world more profound, you must not stop in your path of faith. You must not stop seeking until you are able to discern what you can believe from what you cannot, to be thankful for what you can, and to believe what you cannot believe. Brothers and sisters, today, would you pray with all your hearts that you will gain a heart of such a truthful seeker?