2003.02.02. Rev. Sang Keun Kim

Cell Leader Moses is Tired.

Number 11:10-23

Originally Moses wasn't interested in the cell mission work. He could not afford the time to meet twice a month and share his life with others. He was born in Egypt and immigrated to Midia and was tending the flock.

It was a life of a poor shepherd wandering around with just few lambs. (Exodus 3:1) Moses knew very well that it was by no means easy to live as an immigrant in the alien land with different language and culture. The only way out was to work twice and three times harder than others. Moses often thought about the fact that as a member of the royal family he used to have grand life style before immigrating the Midia. But ever since he came to Midia, his life had been pretty dreadful. He sometimes fell into engaging in self-pity. While in Egypt, he had many friends and many others who pretended to be his friends. So on Saturdays, he was busy socializing, but after the immigrants' life had started in Midia, the life became very simple. He lost friends one by one. To survive in the new land, he worked hard and in order to forget that he had to work hard, he worked even harder. And it came to this. He was wondering why he had to work so hard, for what, and for whom. Often he felt depressed.

Then, Moses decided to look for an immigrants' church. He checked around various churches in order to find a church of his liking. He went to a church, which had a good reputation. The immigrants' church was so big with a large congregation, but the minister wanted to recruit more members and insisted to fill the sanctuary with more people. "This church will not do," so he went on to another church. At the new church the worship service had a unique style - starting with calling the Lord three times, the congregation raised two hands high and shouted "halleluiah". He followed the congregation hesitantly, and then he said, "It is not my style." Then he went on to another church.

By chance he went to a respectable church that was rumored to have started first in Midia and was proud of its long history. He thought that if it is a respectable church with a long history, it must be different. Indeed, he found something special: the hairstyle of the principal minister was unique; the assistant minister's hairstyle also looked great - sleek from hair lotion. The hairstyle of the principal minister was somewhat, eh ……and another unique thing was his sermon. His sermon emphasized the cell mission. He emphasized that the only way to become a "community of the maturing disciples" and to become the Christ's transforming disciples is to participate in the cell mission. Moses decided to stay with this church.

While attending the church he came to participate in the cell meeting. At first, he felt ill at ease, but soon broke ice, spoke easily and opened his heart to others. Soon there was a call from the church office. It was a special request to become a cell leader. First, he declined and said, "I don't have special ways with the words!" But, hearing that the cell mission has nothing to do with the ways with the words, he summoned courage. So, he took on a new cell that was assigned by the church office. The cell was named "Israel." First, he worked hard, the cell met twice a month. They tried to share their lives among its members. They were first new to each other, and there was much to share. They shared the stories of the initial immigrants' life, its hardship, the initial impression of the church, and the hairstyle of the minister on the first day at the church.

As time passed, so the number of the cell member grew and problems began to arise. As the cell members increased, they started to speak less. It became difficult to find a date when everyone could attend. It became difficult to prepare food to share among so many members. Some members began to express the opinion that meeting twice a month is impossible due to the reality of busy immigrants' life, and some stopped coming to the cell meeting altogether. While sharing their lives, some people's feelings got hurt. Some began to complain, smiles began to disappear. The very thought of meeting among its members began to be burdensome. Resentment to cell members, resentment to the church office, resentment to God, and resentment to himself started to seep in! One led to another.

Moses, the cell leader, became exhausted. Moses, the cell leader, was burnt-out. The exhausted cell leader complained to God. As recorded in Number 11, he said: "Lord, why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burdens of all these people on me? At first I tried earnestly, I wanted to devote my time and my best efforts, and now I am exhausted. I cannot do it any longer. It is very hard to have the cell meetings. The meeting itself became a burden." Moses continued to plead to God; "Did I start the cell myself? I merely complied with the request from the church office. Although we have to grow the 'Community of growing disciples,' I have nothing to share with others. The cell members need to eat spiritual food and they beg to get better spiritual food, but I don't have the spiritual food to feed them." The exhausted cell leader Moses confessed to God at last: "Save me in your grace, put me to death right away, and help me avoid seeing my own suffering. I cannot do it any more, now I cannot do it any more." Moses, the cell leader, was completely exhausted.

There are about 50 cells at our church. I know well the devotion and difficulties of every one of the 50 cell leaders. I also know well that the cell leaders devote to pray for each and every member of the cell, give their best, and spend inordinate amount of time to the cell matters. It is not at all easy to be the pastor of a small church. At times, he will be discouraged and frustrated. After spending time and effort for a person's soul, and when we see no change in the person's spiritual life, we get discouraged and frustrated.

As the pastor responsible for all the cells at KUMC, I felt I did not provide good help to the cell leaders. Because of this feeling of inadequacy, it was hard on me. As Moses said in today's text: "Lord, why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What Have I done to displease you that you put all these people on me?" While confessing, I blamed God. Moses' confession was my confession. "Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their forefathers? Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing at me. 'Give us meat to eat.' I cannot carry all these people by myself. The burden is too heavy for me." Not only Moses was tired. So were the cell leaders and so was I the pastor.

Two weeks ago, I took a vacation from church. I went to a Catholic monastery called Bon Secours. At the monastery I could not help thinking that the only way was to pray for the cell leaders, to sooth their souls and to rely on the Lord. Because it was winter, the big monastery was empty. In the empty monastery I had time to pray while calling each cell leaders' name, laying down my tired self in front of our Lord's cross. I begged for His help. God, our cell leaders are tired, God, I am also tired. The burden is too heavy for me.

I cannot carry all these people by myself. On reading today's scripture, I came to realize that Moses' mind was my own; Moses' mind was the mind of our cell leaders. I sang the hymn. "I must tell Jesus all my trials. I cannot bear these burdens alone. In my distress He will kindly help me. He always loves and cares for His own. I must tell Jesus. I must tell Jesus. I cannot bear my burdens alone. I must tell Jesus. I must tell Jesus. Jesus can help me, Jesus alone. Tempted and tried I need great Savior, one who can help my burdens to bear. I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus. He all my cares and sorrows will share. I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus. I cannot bear my burdens alone. I must tell Jesus, Jesus. Jesus can help me, Jesus alone." I looked at the cross hanging on the church wall. Jesus was on the cross. Jesus, whose head was lowered, Jesus who wearing the crown of thorn, seemed to be talking to me. Those with trials and tribulations come to me. I will let you rest. Rev. Kim, don't worry. Cell group leaders don't worry. I will feed you.

Tell the cell leaders, "First, they have to meet me, myself on the Cross." And spread the words that "I am waiting for them. It is not that the cell leaders are tired, Rev Kim is tired, but it's me on the cross that is tired. I am waiting for them while shedding blood and water. And why aren't you coming to me? I am really tired." It is not the cell leaders who are tired, nor Rev Kim, but Jesus on the cross, while waiting for us, has gotten tired.

Today, I want to introduce a cell group leader. She is the leader of a cell group in Sterling, VA. Her name is Mrs. Eun Hyung Kim. Exhorter Kim, together with her husband, Mr. Won Ryul Song, is now serving two cell groups. When it is difficult to serve one cell group, this couple has been serving two cell groups. The exhorter has serious health problems: she is waiting for a simultaneous transplant of heart and liver. The Church office, concerned about her health, told her several times to resign the cell leader's position, but every time she said, "Reverend, while I am alive, let me serve the church and cell group with joy." And she continued to serve her cell group. Let us now hear her witnessing.

A year and half ago, I was diagnosed having a heart disease called cardiac amyloidosis. In this rare disease the bad protein produced by liver penetrated into my heart muscles, my heart became hardened, caused water flow into my lung, made me easily out of breath and easily tired. When I started the necessary tests to find its causes and the treatment methods, the doctors initially diagnosed my condition as the acute state of amyloidosis and predicted 3-5 months to live. First, I could not believe the doctor's words. Inside I was worried and scared, but outside I pretended to be calm. But after a while, I started to think about death for the first time. As the Bible says, "Dying once is decided for man." Then, I thought, if God wants us to come, who can refuse? I tried to comfort myself. But when I thought about leaving my loving husband and children, I felt too sad. When I thought about leaving my children who are not married yet and leaving them before experiencing the joy of their wedding, it tore my heart and I could not endure the anguish. It was painful and heart wrenching. I called my Lord. "Oh, My God, have mercy on me!" I called out to Him.

I saw my children and explained to them about my illness. I shared with them my honest thoughts about death and my state of mind. I told them. "I will go to heaven with the conviction of salvation. And I am going to wait for you there. But if you cannot come, and I know daddy will surely come, what kind of eternal tragedy and sadness would it be!" I told them about my earnest hope for them. My children told me clearly. "We will follow you to heaven. We will meet you there through Christ." Listening to their reassurance, we cried together, shared our love and the words of comfort.

Then, I visited Rev. Cho. We seriously talked about my funeral and I made few requests to Rev. Cho. Rev Cho will explain the detail of our talk and my requests to you and my children when my funeral finally comes. While I was getting my mind ready for death, the results of the second test came. It was not the fatal case as the doctors initially diagnosed, but a familial Amyloidosis, a genetic case. In this genetic case, one can only live two years without a liver transplant. The only way to prevent a continuous production of the bad protein is to undergo a liver transplant. I was told that at Fairfax Hospital, the waiting period was five years, and at the Boston Hospital, it was three years. My heart sank. Then, came the results of another test several months later. I was informed of the stunning news that because the bad protein now spread to my heart and debilitated its proper functioning, I must undergo a simultaneous transplant of liver and heart.

Luckily, by chance I was introduced to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota that can perform a simultaneous transplant within two years. I have registered with the clinic more than 1 year and am now on top of the waiting list. I am now carrying a beeper everyday waiting for the donor and subsequent simultaneous operation.

Honestly, it was easier to talk about my situation. It was profoundly disturbing and scary. I was emotionally spent. Sometimes, rather than going through such dreadful operation to live, out of frustration I felt like giving up. Then, while praying with sadness and pain, God gave me the comforting words. The Holy Spirit says in Isaiah 41: "Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Trusting these words of promise, I came to hold onto His right hand. I decided to unload all my thoughts, worry and fear onto Him, to give Him everything and to lean on Him. I decided to hold on to His right hand. After this decision, peace came to me. My body and soul, once full of worry and fear, now are filled with new power coming from the Lord. I now have the conviction that God is holding me with his right hand.

I believe that no matter how my doctors or I want, in the end it is God, who knows us well and brings goodness, will bring the right outcome through his ways. With peace of body and soul, I am now living my daily life with joy and thankfulness. I thank God for giving me the power through letting me lean on his right hand, for the power and joy of leading the cell group and Barnabas missions and for letting me sing hymns at the choir as long as I can breath. I want to love and serve more in the midst of my illness and adversity. I will do my best to love the cell group members through real action and not by words. And I will do my best to help my church to become the one that our Lord wants as the true church. And when He finally calls me, I will be ready.

While listening the exhorter's witness, I remember the verse in Revelation 2:10, "Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." Exhorter, your life's crown of thorn is waiting for you. Exhorter, Jesus Christ who was waiting for you says, " My daughter, you have been faithful even to the point of death and I will give you the crown of life." My congregation! Are you ready to receive the life's crown of thorn?

All the cell group leaders who are carrying out the mission with burdens! And the members of the congregation who are frustrated and troubled! While walking the life's journey and on the cell mission, you may have been frustrated, troubled and exhausted. But let us start again, by leaning on our Lord, who has been waiting for us on the cross. He will lead us, He will fulfill us, He will wipe our tears, and He will support us with His right hand. He told Moses who was tired and frustrated: "Is the Lord's arm too short?" My congregation! Is the Lord's arm too short? He clearly told us: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Let us hold on tightly to the Lord's right hand. Let us lean on his eternal hand. Let us start anew, let us start anew.